Things That Shouldn’t Be

Older men in Converse High Tops with toupees that, let’s face it, just don’t go together.

Face lifts. That porcelain finish that should be restricted to planters and soup tureens. Why women think stretched like a drum is attractive will remain a mystery. And lips were never meant to resemble trampolines.

Toddlers with phones. When was Babar sacked from preschool? Seeing a kid playing with their parent’s iPhone, when they could be enjoying a book, should be illegal.

Dog owners who disobey the Pooper Scooper law as if it doesn’t apply to them. Step in a pile in those Gucci loafers Kemosabe, then it sure will.

Whole Food’s raw fish department that looks camera ready until you get those shrimp and crab legs home, tasteless and spongy from being frozen since 2009. When the cat won’t even eat one, then you know, you’ve been aquatically fleeced.

Social Media replacing live conversations. If I see one more couple having dinner with their phones rather than each other, I may have to write my Congressman. Not that it would do any good since it’s every man for himself nowadays, our Commander-in Chief’s creed passed down.

But what happened to intimacy anyway? Has she called? I miss those cozy murmurings even if they’re just overheard.

How was your day honey? Missed ya at the office. Wow, you look beautiful tonight.

I missed you too, and baked that pie you like, so let’s go home for dessert why don’t we…wink wink.

Instead you have Twitter sitting in your lap Tweeting sweet NOTHINGS.

Life has become fast food across the board…distorted images viewed from a funhouse mirror. I can’t imagine my dad in a Kardashian T-shirt delaying my mom’s lasagna to check out his Facebook page. Of course he died of alcoholism at a young age, but still. I can almost hear him say, even from the ether, I’d love a second helping honey, but need to keep room, ya know, for that pie.

If only.  Sigh.

SB